Addiction is slick. It’s the best salesman in the world, telling you everything you want to hear in the beginning. It will be your best friend when things are fun, but it will also alter your behavior as an addict and cause you to become involved in matters that you wouldn’t normally be involved with. It will then disappear once the problems begin to arise.
Addiction is the Best Salesman – it Controls Addict Behavior
I can still remember when I crossed the line from recreational use into full blown addiction. The lying, cheating, manipulating and stealing all began happening. I needed money to get high and had nothing so I stole money from my mother’s purse. The battle in my head before I did this was intense. I knew it was wrong and 1000 voices kept telling me not to, but one voice was much louder and was all I heard over the rest.
We began bargaining that if I were to “borrow” the money I would put it back the next day before she ever knew it was missing. That was all I needed to hear and off I went. Once that battle was won by the disease I had another hurdle to cross. I had to get to the purse and get the money. I’m not a thief and the last thing I wanted was to get caught so I needed a plan. This became a full blown military, search and rescue mission. I needed to survey the area and come up with a plan to get to the purse, get the money and be out the door before anyone knew what had happened. The purse was on the counter in the kitchen but my mother was there as well so I waited patiently in the other room for my opportunity. Finally, after what seemed like a week, my mother went into the living room. I never moved so quickly and quietly in my life. I was in and out of that purse and had it back in its exact spot in 5 seconds flat. Two minutes later I was out the door and off to quiet the monster growling inside me.
The guilt, shame and remorse from my bad behavior of stealing would slowly be eased once I had what I needed and the belief that I was only “borrowing” the money until I put it back the next day was comforting as well. Unfortunately, or maybe I should say fortunately, the next day never came. Once I got high I needed more. It’s was a non-stop vicious cycle that only wanted me dead. I never could put the money back because I was always going to need more. And every time I reached that point where I had no other options but to steal, the salesman in my disease would show up and help convince me and justify that it was ok.
That same salesman was nowhere to be found when I did get caught. The disease disappeared and I was left by myself to face the consequences of my actions.
I’m very blessed to have a loving family that supports me and wants to help me. I’m not sure why, when they were asking me if I needed help, I lied to protect this disease that took off at the first sign of adversity. I always came up with some crazy excuse as to what happened and they bought it. Once I was in the clear, the disease would creep back into the picture and we were off and running again. This cycle continued for many years and the pain and suffering grew worse with time.
I’m truly grateful to have made it to the other side into recovery. Treatment saved my life. When my disease tore me down and left me for dead, I was able to pick up the phone and ask for help. Once in treatment, I was able to expose my disease for the first time. I was no longer willing to protect something that only caused me and my family pain and suffering. My disease does not like to be exposed. Telling on it helped keep it in remission. I am happy to say that I am clean and sober now for 7 years and my life is great. My family and I have a great relationship and with time and hard work I’ve made amends for my actions. Thanks to First Step to Freedom, I am sober and back on track. You can start your recovery journey too by just calling (888) 415-8810 today.